The Brotherhood

“Shaved Ape” sounds like a pejorative, but it ain’t. And to be clear, we’re not talking about chimps, but gorillas. Think about it. Gorillas may appear more primitive and brutish than chimpanzees, but aside from their sheer size, consider their behaviors. Their loyalties are solid, treatment of their young is firm but gentle, their desires simple: Don’t mess with them, their homes or their families and they’ll probably leave you alone. Push them beyond their considerable patience, and they’ll treat you to a RUD—a Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly—and then calmly go back about their business.

Gorillas are commonly thought to be less intelligent than chimps, mainly because they refuse to play pointless games with pushy, silly humans. I won’t either. Ringin’ any bells for you?

Chimps are highly social and viciously political. They form temporary alliances, betray and backstab, rob, rape and murder. You’ll see chimps ridin’ bikes wearing clown suits, bellboy costumes, even French maid outfits, to get attention and bananas. Ever seen a full-grown, silverback gorilla in a clown suit beggin’ for bananas? No. Know why? Because gorillas won’t put up with it. They have dignity. And they prefer to get their own bananas.

There are no hard criteria for membership in the brotherhood. If you nodded your lumpy head and rumbled assent at any of the lines above, you’re probably qualified.