Miss Kitty and Tom Cat
Rule #1- Never Mess with Cat People
Today, I’m going to break a long-standing taboo in the publishing industry. It’s literally a third-rail, a “DO NOT TOUCH”-type of topic no sane writer would ever consider mentioning.
But since I’ve never been accused of operating with a full deck of cards, I’m going to forge ahead and dive into this journalistic quagmire. This is important for two reasons: First, it needs to be earnestly and openly discussed in a public forum with the hope of someday resolving this genuine problem, and secondly, there’s a deadline looming, and I’m fresh out of potty jokes.
So, after taking a deep breath, I’m going to wade into this highly polarizing topic and give my frank and honest thoughts on cats. More specifically, feral cats.
There, I said it. (Insert sound of dozens of pitchforks being sharpened and torches lit!)
The Actual Science
I have experienced first-hand the grave danger of writing anything less than enthusiastic and fervent praise for cats. About 30 years ago, I was the outdoor writer for my local newspaper and had received a press release talking about the terrific devastation wrought by domestic cats on songbird and small animal populations. In this case, the University of Wisconsin did a study and determined rural cats were killing up to 219 million birds annually in the state. Since then, research has borne out that cats — love them or hate them — kill a lot of small animals.
I’ll agree it’s not the cat’s “fault.” Hunting and killing things is part of their genetic makeup. Sometimes, it’s OK, such as when we’re talking mice, rats, gophers and other destructive pests. However, cats are indiscriminate and quite efficient at killing songbirds or any other small animal they can run down. Making it worse, domestic cats generally don’t eat their prey or even hunt because of hunger. Thus, we’re losing a lot of small animals and birds simply because somebody let “Mr. Fluffkins” out the door when they went to work.
If humans were wreaking this kind of devastation on any animal population, you can rest assured there would be an entire new federal administration bureaucracy devoted to “stamping out this scourge.” But since we’re talking cats, everybody looks the other way because it’s safer.
Off With His Head!
Regardless, I had the temerity to write a short column about the cat problem. I didn’t call for the immediate registration or confiscation of felines but simply suggested if people cared about wildlife and tweety birds, it would be helpful if they kept kitty indoors or at least put a wee little bell around her precious neck.
Oh my goodness, did I awaken a sleeping giant!
The mail started immediately and became a deluge. I learned new words for bodily functions. PETA even got involved and threatened to stage a protest outside of the newspaper. I still remember their poorly worded attempt at sarcasm, something about “thank your (sic) studly outdoor writer for protecting us all from those dangerous kitties” and other such drivel. I had expected better quality loathing from a national organization.
The newspaper loved the notoriety because circulation actually went up briefly. People were buying issues from news racks (remember those?) to see the latest shots fired in this ongoing battle. The editor even commissioned an artist to draw special cartoons. Several folks got really worked up. There was a great hue and cry. Petitions were started. Somebody even called my mom.
In the end, things settled down, and no lasting damage was done. However, I learned one of the most important rules of journalism: “Never, ever mess with ‘cat people.’”
Another example involved our sister publication, American Handgunner, many years ago. A writer whose name escapes me wrote a story about a .22 rifle and off-handedly mentioned it would be useful to dispatch “varmints, pests and feral cats around the farm.”
As related by former Editor Roy Huntington, literal sacks full of hate mail began arriving at the office. Then, more bags of “pro-shoot” mail began showing up, and the whole thing turned into a month-long nightmare of postal service arguments. For its part, the magazine didn’t care what the writer said, but the whole thing got to be a major drudge.
This is another prime example of why beginning writers are told to never, ever mess with kitty! You’ll regret it.
However, since I don’t follow rules very well, I’ll relate a recent anecdote…
The Hitman
Before we moved into our house, our neighborhood had been plagued by a feral cat colony. A misguided but well-meaning group live-trapped a handful of free-range cats, sterilized them and then released them back into “the wild” (our backyards) as a “humane, colony-living alternative” to euthanasia. What we ended up enduring daily — we, as in “people who didn’t volunteer for this” — was a bunch of chronically sick and injured felines who continued to wildly procreate despite the mostly unsuccessful trapping and surgical efforts. The reproduction continued unabated whenever the cats weren’t too busy leaving their pungent tar-like droppings in our yards and flower beds, spraying various objects with ferociously stinky urine and hunting daily at our bird feeders. I don’t know the total number of songbirds dead at the paws of the colony, but the cats racked up an impressive kill count. Rabbits were non-existent.
We were all fed up, but the local authorities wouldn’t do anything because they know cat people are very vocal and don’t tolerate criticism, so a different solution was needed. I have no idea what happened, but amazingly, the cat colony became extinct at about the same time our backyard privacy fence went up. With no proof whatsoever, the neighborhood “gun guy” privately got the credit from relieved residents.
Then, a few days ago, I was standing in the front yard of our home when an elderly neighbor walked by with her dog. We chatted amiably when she suddenly turned serious. Looking around, she lowered her voice and said, “You know, I’ve got a strange cat hanging around my house. It’s leaving messes, killing birds … it’ll probably have kittens before you know it.”
“Hmm, that’s too bad,” I answered in a wholly non-committal way.
“It would be a shame if something happened to the cat,” she said wistfully, staring off into the distance.
I stayed quiet. The silence went on for a few seconds.
“Yep, it would be a tragedy if the cat just disappeared. Yessir, too bad …and I wouldn’t say a thing,” she added before walking away.
I suddenly realized we had been euphemistically discussing “a hit” on the cat, much like characters in The Sopranos. If this continued, I could see myself getting a cool nickname like “Jimmy The Weasel” or something. The idea had merit, but I also didn’t want the whole reputation thing to get out of hand — I could imagine detectives leaning hard on me anytime a local cat broke its leg or came down with mange.
So, I didn’t do anything. Yet, despite my inaction and wholly peaceful nature, the scroungy, disease-ridden new arrival disappeared a few days later. What could have happened? Neighborhood residents are still stumped.
One unrelated note — a certain major gun manufacturer recently came out with a new, highly accurate .22 bolt-action. It will be reviewed as soon as I clean it.
The (Un)Necessary Disclaimer
I don’t hate cats — truly — but also think they shouldn’t be allowed to destroy billions of birds and mammals just so people can enjoy infrequent moments of amity and a chronically hair-covered sofa. If you love cats, you’re welcome to your opinion — so long as you keep Fluff out of my yard, away from our flower beds and do something to stop this wholesale slaughter of wildlife. As a society, we don’t tolerate free-roaming packs of pitbulls, so I’m not sure why we’re supposed to be OK with “Admiral Yeowington” fouling other people’s property and killing the songbirds by the bushel.
This is such an important topic yet too many writers are afraid to touch it, for good reason, but I don’t apologize for my position. However, if you are wildly upset and want to dispute my facts and conclusions, I urge you to write down your innermost feelings and concerns and send them in. The address is:
GUNS American Handgunner Magazine, 224 West Valley Parkway, Suite 100, Escondido CA 92025
