T.S.A.: Thoroughly Screwed-Up Air-Travel

I used to love to fly, and the weirder and wilderthe better, military or sorta-civilian, fixed-wing or helo, as long as the wings stayed on or the rotors kept spinning. By the way, it sucks when they don’t.

Fortunately, we were already close to the deck when a helo I was squattin’ in suddenly took on the flight characteristics of a ’72 Chevy pickup crashing through a bridge railing. Note: When a helo loses its rotors, it does not glide. It drops like a Mosler safe.

Anyway, while other people collected Colt SAAs, baseball cards or velvet Elvis paintings, I sorta collected unusual flight experiences. I’ve had the singular honor of flying while sitting on sacks of moldy oats, holding the tethers of nervous goats, and buried under mangy yak-hide coats. That last one alone deserves its own chapter in the book I’m pretending to write. I’ve spent so much time sharing space with chickens and pigs in DC-3s and C-47s I prefer it to sharing a 747 with a crowd headed for Vegas. There’s more freedom of movement, and it’s more interesting.

Domestic flights on commercial airlines airlines were drop-dead dull, but they were relatively predictable and efficient. Then came 911 — and the TSA — and the lists.

Liturgy Of Lists

I’ve written about the TSA lists before, and how it took me two years to get off the Super-Top-Secret “Terrorist Watch List.” Mercifully, that one only gets you delayed, diverted, searched, scraped and shaken down, while receiving hard-eyed looks and terse commands. Failing to find any reason to shoot, sentence, or slap you silly, they just get all pouty and sulky and send you on your way. Officially, I was told nothing. Unofficially, after yankin’ some old chains, I learned I apparently made the list because I had worked in counterterrorism. Cool, huh? Makes sense?

Among the 30,000 other Americans who succeeded in getting de-listed were Representative Don Young of Alaska,chairman of the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee, and Senator Edward “Teddy” Kennedy. It seems a suspected terrorist once used the alias of “T. Kennedy.” A nice twist here is “T” isn’t even one of the senator’s initials — his name is Edward Moore Kennedy.

Given the efficiency of TSA, I truly wonder if Osama bin Laden is on the list, or if he would just be waved through at Dulles while some poor Kansas wheat farmer named Orville Ben Loggin is gettin’ jumped and thumped.

You think that’s crazy? Consider this: When “Daniel Brown” (an obviously phony name!) stepped off a flight from the Middle East, TSA operatives instantly scored a “match” on the No-Fly List and pounced! He was even wearing a strange costume, and found to be in possession of US government documents!

Despite the protests of his 26 “friends and co-workers” who described him as “not the terrorist type,” Brown was whisked away to be grilled, gnarfled, muggled and interrogated. He missed his connecting flight to Minneapolis-St. Paul. There was no way the TSA was going to let him penetrate the American heartland — horrors, no! — to possibly commit goodness-knows-what kinda terrorist acts! His so-called “friends” (or co-conspirators?) flew on without him — to a homecoming celebration.

Terrorist? Funny costume? Staff Sergeant Daniel Brown, United States Marine Corps, was returning from his second combat tour in Iraq. He and his unit were all in full uniform, bearing Marine ID and DoD travel orders.

Aero-News Network learned Dan got on the No-Fly List after “gunpowder residue was detected on his footwear during a previous screening.” The “footwear” was his combat boots — and the “previous screening” occurred upon Dan’s return from his first deployment to Iraq. Just imagine … a combat Marine operating in Al-Anbar Province being exposed to gunpowder? Hooda thunkitt? Wow!

I’m willing to bet there is also a TSA Super-DUPER-Deluxe-Tippy-Top-Secret Arch-Terrorist-List, which contains the names of a white-haired great-grandmother of Scandinavian descent, a redheaded 9-year-old girl, two of Snow White’s seven dwarves, a Dominican friar and the GEICO gecko. They will be shot on sight, I think — but nobody knows, because that’s secret too.

So how much safer are we? While SSgt. Brown was gettin’ grilled, GAO personnel were testing TSA’s security measures by trying to smuggle bomb-making components into 21 major American airports. They only succeeded in, ummm … all 21 cases.

Just Stay Home

But wait; there’s more fun coming, kids! TSA may take over all US mass transportation!

“TSA was never clearly given a mandate to focus only on aviation,” Boston TSA boss George Naccara said recently. He told other “security executives” TSA should assume control of “subway stations, rail terminals, cruise ship and ferry docks, even special events like conventions.” Oh, baby! I can just see a “TSA experience” at a ferry dock…

You arrive two days early and wait. Remove everything from your vehicle, including your car stereo and speakers, placing the items in a plastic tub on a conveyor belt. Dismount your tires from their rims, and hold them outside the window on one arm as you drive onto the ferry with no pants or shoes on. Once aboard, you must drain your gas tank and squat on top of your hood for the duration of the crossing.

So you want to take a five-day Caribbean cruise, making a stop at a foreign port? Oh, you fool! Arrive five days early, and surrender an eyeball for a “retina-matching” check upon your return. You will be dipped in ink and rolled on a 10’x20′ paper for “body printing.” All passengers must shuffle up the gangway naked, because clothing and luggage are not allowed. You will have your choice of a “microchip monitor” inserted in your neck, or a “surveillance suppository,” umm … “emplaced.”

But don’t we feel all safe an’ snuggly?

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