Giant Turtle Assaults Girlfriend, Man Robs Drug Store With Dog

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Assault Critters

Handgun Control, Inc., should be proud of Dennis Amber. After all, the 45-year-old could have used a firearm to assault his girlfriend in her suburban Pittsburgh home. Instead, he used a 15 lb. snapping turtle, which he lugged to her house, then tried to persuade it to bite her.

The attack failed, possibly because Snappy’s full-auto sear was broken — or maybe Amber didn’t know how to work the “safety.” He was charged with assault anyway.

“Fire Superiority”

Los Angeles resident Ike Hudson might have considered the possibility of return fire when he pulled the trigger of his shotgun, but doubtless never dreamed — not in his worst nightmare — of the response he received. Now he’s suing for $339,875, claiming damage to his home, therapy costs, and a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Hudson says he was armed on the night of May 3, 1992, as the L.A. riots raged, because he feared another man who was trying to grab his girlfriend. When two Compton P.D. officers knocked, he fired a shotgun blast through his door, wounding both cops.

They didn’t have to call for back-up, though. Behind them were several more police officers, sheriff’s deputies, and U.S. Marines who saw Hudson’s muzzle flash and immediately returned fire, blasting the house with 185 rounds of small-arms fire.

Hudson’s lawyer, B. Kwaku Duren, says his client fired accidentally. If the jury believes that, they’ll probably thrown in an extra $5 for fresh underwear, too.

Disney Technique

In San Diego’s community of Normal Heights, frequently referred to as “Abnormal Heights” by residents, a stick-up man employed the “Disney Technique” of robbery with more success.

The suspect walked into a Pay Less drug store with a leashed Doberman and threatened the clerk with “imminent bite.” While Fido growled and drooled, the suspect filled a bag with cameras and other goods, then fled with his accomplice in a Chevrolet Monte Carlo.

Witnesses couldn’t say for sure if the Doberman was a Standard Sporting Canine of the dreaded “Assault Dobie,” which is known to be capable of rapid multiple bites.

Neither Senator Feinstein nor Senator Boxer were available to comment on whether or not this would lead to prohibitions against dogs with more than 10 teeth, or registration of dogs which are black, have military-style collars, and come equipped with a protruding “grip,” like the Doberman’s menacing-looking bobbed tail.

Certainly such animals have no legitimate sporting purpose, and enjoy no constitutional protection.

Regardless of the fallout from this incident, it is expected to simply fuel the already raging debate over concealable Schnauzers, said to be the “critter of choice” of terrorists and drug dealers.

You Just Can’t Rape A .38

Sneaking carefully up behind a pretty, blonde, and presumable helpless young woman, suspects Edward Monroe and David Kolander probably felt no fear, just excitement and eagerness to victimize their prey.

They doubtless didn’t expect any interference from the police. For one thing, how many cops could there be in a sleepy little burg like West Allis, Wisc.? Like jackals, they finally made their move, and got the answer to their question.

There was at least one cop in that part of West Allis: Pretty, blonde off-duty Officer Ann Marie Ziarnik, who proved not to be so helpless at all. She introduced them in turn to Mister Pistol, Mister Handcuffs, and Mister Asphalt. There were no “blonde jokes” allowed on the way to jail.

Surrender My What?

A defense attorney and the D.A. in Washoe County, Nev., struck a strange plea bargain awhile back with a man accused of exposing himself. The suspect had allegedly “flashed” a female skier out on the slopes, and absolutely refused to plead guilty to a charge of indecent exposure. He was allowed to cop a plea to “carrying a concealed weapon.”

The prosecuting attorney explained she had agreed to the unusual plea because the two charges carry exactly the same penalty. In Nevada, the law allows a plea to a fictitious charge in order to expedite a case. At the time, the legal meandering served its purpose.

But there are now several laws proposed which mandate that a person once convicted of weapons charges may be prohibited from possessing or carrying any weapons similar to the one used in the original crime.

This guy should pay close attention to Nevada’s legislative updates — and not be too quick to answer the door.

“Armed” Robbery

Would-be stick-up man Christopher Johnson has a certifiable case of Beantown Blues. He tried to rob the same Boston restaurant five times, and all he got for his efforts was … shot.

On his first four tries, Johnson entered the restaurant waving a handgun to get everybody’s attention, but minor problems — like everyone running out the back door — thwarted his robbery plans.

On his fifth and final attempt, Johnson threatened diners with a hidden “pistol” in his coat pocket. An exasperated employee finally took him seriously, and shot him.
A search revealed that this time, Johnson’s weapon was a hair brush. Police speculated he may have traded his real gun for drugs, having failed to score any cash.

Adding insult to injury, Johnson was tried and convicted for armed robbery despite the non-shooting status of his hairbrush. An appeals court upheld the conviction, stating in essence that since employees and patrons of the restaurant had been threatened by Johnson using a real gun on so many occasions, they reasonably assumed the last instance was a legitimate armed robbery. The armed robbery, the court opined, was in the eye of the beholder.

Johnson also learned two important lessons: if at first you don’t succeed maybe you should give it up, and the pen may be mightier than the sword, but a personal grooming device ain’t no match for a .357 Magnum.

Dangerous And Dumb

Hard put to call it a “professional job,” police in Sunnyvale, Calif., sought perpetrators which some called the Teenage Stupid Ninja Turtles.

Six short, squatty men dressed in black and wearing ski masks burst into the offices of Micronix Computer, Inc. Waving semiauto pistols, they took 12 employees hostage, fired two shots into a door — and then just stood there, looking around. After a brief, muffled conversation with each other, they left empty-handed.

Micronix officials were stumped for a motive. The business had no expensive stock, no money on the premises, and no involvement with secret government contracts. Police thought they might have simply gotten the wrong address.

Little White Hats

The lady looked like she knew what she was doing as she strolled into a gun store in Naples, Fla. Stepping right up to the handgun counter, she closely and conscientiously checked out every firearm on display. Frowning, she finally turned to the proprietor and revealed the cause of her puzzlement.

“Do you keep any good guns in stock?” she asked. “These all look like those bad guns I keep seeing on television.”

Well, there are these little pink ones that only shoot gummy-bears …

Mark Moritz hung up his satirical spurs to a collective sigh of relief from America’s gun writers whom he had lampooned in Friendly Fire for two long, painful years. The 10 Ring is written by Commander Gilmore, a retired San Diego police officer who bases his humor, like Mark did, on actual occurrences. All the incidents described by the Commander are true.

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