Monkey Business

Ask you guys to send in funny gun-related stuff, and you don’t send squat. Run just one teeny little article about an attack by an assault monkey, and you menagerie-minded maniacs go into overdrive.

Apparently, some significant percentage of our readers are fish-and-fur-fight fanatics. I guess there ain’t no accounting for taste. So here’s a sampling of the weird critter tails you’ve sent me:

Police in Sacramento, Calif., arrested a man on a charge of suspected spousal abuse after he allegedly battered his wife with an assortment of frozen squirrels. The couple were reportedly arguing when the unnamed husband stepped into the kitchen, “… took several frozen squirrels from the freezer then struck her with them.”

The article said, “It was unclear why the squirrels were in the freezer,” which only illustrates the naiveté of this Sacramento reporter.

Some readers might even speculate the couple in question are fond of cooking and eating arboreal rodents. But true aficionados of musica sciuridae know there is no finer tympanic instrument than a rigidly-chilled member of the family sciuris carolinensis for beating out a snappy rhythm on a collection of overturned pots and pans. Clearly, hence, the kitchen location of the weapons in question.

In a further lapse of journalistic professionalism, the article failed to note whether the frozen squirrels were individually wielded or whether multiple squirrels clenched between the fingers, swung or hurled, were used in the attack, or even whether or not any of the dreaded “assault squirrels” were employed, albeit posthumously.

Cold Fish And Hot Blood

… just don’t mix, says an old proverb dating back to at least last Tuesday and possibly before.

At any rate, the truth of this semi-ancient maxim was borne out in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where a male suspect was charged with assault after he thrashed another man with a frozen fish.

The two were reportedly arguing in the suspect’s kitchen (you crime busters detecting a pattern here?) when the assailant suddenly reached into his freezer, withdrew a hypothermic piscine specimen of craniate Chordata, and smacked his buddy upside the noggin, smartly and frequently.

Since the Associated Press report stated the man “… armed himself with a fish,” we wondered if local law enforcement considered this an armed assault, an assault with a weapon likely to produce great bodily injury, an assault with a weapon likely to smell really bad if left too long in a warm evidence locker, or just stupid.

Let’s have some details, AP. Like, what was this fish’s caliber, grain weight and sectional density, huh? After all, we let you get away with signing all your articles with just your initials, right?

Considering the Source

We’re not particularly surprised with a report from San Francisco that a 28-year-old fellow attacked his roommate and attempted to thrust a live goldfish down his throat. The victim was treated and released from a local hospital.
The other victim, the goldfish, whose identity was not released, perished. There’s a good gerbil joke in here, but we’re not going to touch it.

Pelting By Primate

A pelting by a monkey was reported in Malaysia, where Mr. Mat Hussein Sulaiman was trying to coax his pet monkey out of a tree. The monkey apparently refused, then escalated the confrontation by hurling a coconut, which struck and killed Sulaiman. No charges were filed.

Marsupial Mayhem

Marsupial mayhem occurred in Oxnard, Calif., when two patrol officers approached a male said to be “acting suspiciously.” The cops verbally challenged the suspect, who suddenly turned on them, brandishing a large, apparently angry opossum, “… its teeth gnashing alarmingly.”

After a brief standoff, including spitting, hissing, and snarling (all alleged to have been on the part of the opossum), the officers jumped the man and subdued him. Sometime during the fracas, the opossum “broke free and disappeared into the night.”

Again, we are denied important facts of the paucity of reportage in this incident. Was an APPB (All-Points Possum Bulletin) issued? Was a police sketch artist brought in to create a composite drawing of the escaped suspect? And what if he has shaved since his escape? Who would ever recognize him then?

The 10 Ring is written by Commander Gilmore, a retired San Diego police officer who bases his humor, like Mark did, on actual occurrences. All the incidents described by the Commander are true.

Subscribe To GUNS Magazine