Ex-and-future-felon Richard “Greg” Oliver probably had another use in mind for the sawed-off shotgun stuffed in his pants, but we’re sure most American Handgunner readers will applaud the way he ultimately used it: “Greg prevented a crime in progress and captured a three-time loser — himself.
The police in Martinez, Calif., were already in pursuit of Oliver following a bungled burglary attempt when the fleeing crook leaped to the top of a fence, paused to bid the gendarmes a smug adieu, and fired a single shotgun blast — into his own skivvies.
Oliver was rushed to a nearby hospital with what was, we think, delicately understated as “a severe wound to the groin.” With a horse-choking bundle of past felony convictions, he faces some long, hard time under the state’s new “three strikes and you’re out” law.
No, we don’t know why Richard is called “Greg,” but we bet he’ll have a new nickname in the joint once his, uhm, war story gets around.
And Now For The Sequel
In Connecticut, Bridgeport police rolled in response to a report of a street-corner shooting but just couldn’t believe the prone-and-moaning victim’s story. The 18-year-old male said someone driving by had popped a cap on him.
But officers wondered: If this shot was fired from a car some distance away, why is there a big, smoking, still-smoldering hole in the crotch of this guy’s pants, a single laceration on his penis, severe powder burns down’ his thigh, a sawed-off shotgun stuffed down his trousers, and a giggling girlfriend standing nearby, saying the dummy was “showing off” when he almost blew away his chances for fatherhood?
Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a case for Sherlock Holmes, but answer us this: What movie was it?
What cinematic caper convinced these clowns to experiment with the “Genitalia Gauge” concealed-carry? Or is this the kind of thing that exceptionally stupid people come up with on their own?
Man Versus Machine
He’s still on the loose, but probably not for long. Outside the Bank of Commerce in Del Mar, Calif., a suspect tried to bring armed robbery into the technological age.
After circling the bank in his car several times, our loser-of-the-month finally parked, then gingerly approached the apparently defenseless automatic teller machine.
Suddenly producing a club, he began viciously battering the ATM, not even shouting his demands, just mercilessly clubbing the lonely machine with blow after hammering blow, occasionally pausing to see if this mute fiscal representative had begun leaking money. It had not.
Trembling with rage and frustration, the brute ran to his car and retrieved a revolver. He then strode purposely back to the ATM, coolly brought the muzzle to bear, and fired — then ducked, slipped, flapped and scrambled as his own bullet came whizzing back at him!
The ricochet apparently missed the suspect by only a few inches, prompting a headlong retreat back to his car and an ignominious departure.
And how do we know all this? The entire scenario was captured on remote surveillance videotape.
After viewing the tape, bank chairman Peter Davis commented that aside from being excellent evidence for a criminal prosecution, it might be “… the beginning of a TV comedy show.”
Why You Should Pay Attention During Gun Safety Lectures
For four long, tension-filled days and nights, Missouri lawmen scoured the Show-Me state in one of the most intense manhunts in recent area history. Their quarry: a motiveless, anonymous, nondescript suspect who was wanted for the seemingly cold-blooded random shooting of a 25-year-old Butler County Sheriff’s Deputy. Tony Dow.
Fresh-faced rookies, dreaming of locker-room notoriety, checked every bar and roadhouse while seasoned detectives pumped their snitches for a name, a license plate, that snippet of scoop that would “make their bones” and get ’em back into the captain’s good graces.
After all, it ain’t every day a hometown Missourian gets to slap the shackles on a for-real cop-shooter. Probably one of them long-haired California cocaine cowboys, whattaya bet?
Then Tony rained on the parade. Deputy Dow, faced with the snowballing effects of his subterfuge, finally admitted he had shot himself while foolin’ around, tossing his gun in the air.
It was not immediately known if he had seen the movie “Maverick,” but it was immediately guessed he may soon be considering other career options. Good guess, we guess.