SPOCK WOULD CURL UP AND DIE

You folks remember Spock, the pointy-eared Vulcan from Star Trek, right? The dour-faced dude who would go either shocked-indignant or supercilious-sneering when his human starship-mates would do or say something illogical? A heavy dose of “lack of logic” could even make him shiver, shake and get physically ill. Well, he better never time-travel an’ space-warp back to 2006 on planet Earth. His little ears would wither, he’d curl up in the fetal position, suck his Vulcan thumb and weep like a child with a skin’t knee.

Sometimes I feel like joining him, when I’m lookin’ for logic, and finding stuff like this:

A GUNS reader and pal of mine notes in his home state of Oregon, it is clearly unlawful — no exceptions! — to “possess a loaded firearm in a snowmobile.” Another statute makes it a crime to possess a firearm in public buildings such as hospitals, city halls or residences of state officials. But that law then concludes with the sentence, “This restriction does not apply to individuals licensed under Oregon law to carry concealed weapons.” There is no such exclusion appended to the snowmobile law.

My buddy now figures he can legally carry a concealed cannon into the governor’s mansion, as long as he’s not on a snowmobile — but he can’t pack a popgun ’midst the puckerbrush 50 miles from Fort Futterman — whilst schussin’ on his snow-scooter.

This was sorta passed along for comment to an avid shooter, hunter, snowmobiler — and government attorney — in another big-snow state. We asked him if there was any similar silliness in his jurisdiction. He laughed. A week later he called back, and he wasn’t laughing. A thorough examination of several conflicting statutes revealed he had been unknowingly violating the law for years.

It appeared to him that he could legally possess a firearm while sitting on his stationary snowmobile. But the instant he tweaked the throttle and started movin’, he was in violation of the law. He said he could legally sit on his stopped scooter, throw his gun as far as he could, fire up the scooter, catch up to the gun, retrieve his roscoe, and then start all over again. This could make for a long, frustrating day of snowmobiling, not to mention some damage to his fine guns. He didn’t want to be named. Gee, I wonder why? Perfectly logical, huh?

Spock Shock

In California, if you carry a Smith & Wesson Model 29 .44 Magnum hidden under your shirt in public, without a permit, it’s a simple misdemeanor. If you’ve got a semiauto AR-15 buried in your basement, and you failed to register it as an “assault weapon,” that’s a felony. Conceal a 3″ knife with a straight, pointed blade and a crossguard (legally a “dirk or dagger”), and you’re committing a felony. If you’re packin’ the same blade design, and let’s say it’s a foot long, but it’s a switchblade, then it’s only a misdemeanor. Are you feelin’ any empathy for poor ol’ Spock now?

In New York, anti-gun State Comptroller Alan Hevesi introduced rabid gun-hater Senator Chuck Schumer at a Queens College commencement ceremony. He proudly described Schumer as someone who would “put a bullet between the president’s eyes if he could get away with it.” Aren’t you glad these “non-violent” antigunners don’t have guns? I don’t think they should have pointy cocktail toothpicks. They’re just not grown up enough to handle ’em.

At a big anti-gun press conference, New York City’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg lambasted companies who allegedly “make guns look like toys,” implying criminals prefer purple pistols and rosy-red rifles, because that’ll fool the cops into thinking they’re playthings. And even worse, the story goes, such guns are more attractive to little kiddies, who might then fiddle with ’em and get hurt. Bloomy specifically singled out Lauer Custom Weaponry of Wisconsin, makers of the fine corrosion-resistant Dura Coat finish.

Point At Foot — Pull Trigger

Dura Coat does come in many different colors, and LCW’s honcho, Steve Lauer, confirms his company has finished some very bright guns. For example, he’s done some in signal yellow for search and rescue teams, making it easier for them to find accidentally dropped weapons in low-light conditions, and others for dedicated training-only weapons. Steve was kinda surprised by Bloomy’s blast. His records show only one sale in New York City — to a guy who Dura Coats bicycles — and two orders he suspects were placed by the assistant who bought samples for Bloomy’s news conference.

On the other hand, when interviewed 48 hours after Bloomberg’s tirade, Steve reported his sales had doubled in the past two days … and it seems Hizzoner Bloomy’s own NYPD has never seized a single gun painted to look like a toy. Maybe there are thousands of ’em out there, but the police think they’re all toys? I can see Spock slippin’ into a catatonic state.

In Massachusetts, which is seriously deprived of gun rights and good sense, state Senator Jarrett Barrios went ballistic when he learned the state school lunch program included “fluffernutter” sandwiches — “Marshmallow Fluff” and peanut butter. He introduced an anti-fluffernutter amendment to another bill — and set off a flufffirestorm! Fluffernutter fans oozed outta the woodwork in a sticky-lipped flood of protest, and another legislator angrily counter-proposed a bill to make the fluffernutter the “Official State Sandwich of Massachusetts.” Barrios caved in and dropped his a m e n d m e n t , becoming the first lawmaker beaten by fluff.

Too bad. I was looking forward to reading about a militant “Million Marshmallow March,” and sabotage by the Fluffernutter Liberation Front. They would be armed with spoons and butter knives, of course — no guns!