STI — The Search For Terrestrial Intelligence

You’re no doubt familiar with our better-known sister institute, SETI: The Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence — but you’ve never heard of us, laboring in ignominy here at STI — the Search for Terrestrial Intelligence. SETI gets all the government grants and media attention because, frankly, they’ve had greater success than us. So far, there’s a lot more evidence of intelligent life around Alpha Centauri than there is around Albany or Chicago.

Too, the researchers at SETI have it easy. All they have to do is scan a lot of empty void lookin’ for bright bits of coherent communication. At STI, we have to poke through gigabytes of gibberish searching for the skinniest slivers of smarts. Take these, from some recent STI research:

Turn ’Em In

When National Guard troops of the 48th Brigade Combat Team boarded a chartered civilian airliner in Savannah, Georgia, for their jump to Iraq, their CO told ’em due to anti-terrorist regulations, they had to surrender all nail clippers, nose hair trimmers, nail files and pocketknives. They did — then clambered on board with their M-16s, pistols, shotguns and bayonets. Well, it musta worked; they weren’t highjacked.

Since then, the Transportation Safety Administration has announced that although passengers still can’t pack knives of any sort or size, you may now carry sharp, pointed scissors with blades up to 4″, and screwdrivers, wrenches and pliers up to 7″ long. This, despite the fact about 50 percent of criminal stabbings in the US are committed with — screwdrivers! — and, I personally would rather not have a fellow passenger loosening any hex bolts on my Adios Airlines flight.

An STI scan of TSA headquarters came up negative for signs of intelligence. Families who lost loved ones in the September 11 attacks receive compensation awards ranging from $250,000 to $4.7 million, averaging $1.85 million each. Many complain it’s not enough. Families of GIs killed in action in Afghanistan and Iraq get a death benefit of $6,000. Mourning military families also get $1,750 in burial costs. This is exactly the same amount granted to New Yorkers to replace 9/11 dust-damaged vacuum cleaners and air conditioners. Your lost Lance Corporal rates the same as a choked Hoover and a wheezing AirFresh.

No STI “Hits” Here, Either

From the Department of Homeland Security, we learned that in the past year, 30,000 airline passengers petitioned to have their names removed from the classified Terrorist Watch List, which subjected them to prolonged delays, inane questions and skin searches. All but about 60 were successful. Applying the laws of probability and a dash of common sense, this tells me that (a), most of those listed — myself included — were listed in error, and (b) many of those removed from the list shouldn’t have been. A spokes-organism said, “The
watch-list process doesn’t work the wayit’s supposed to.” Duh ….

Among those taken off the list were Republican Representative Don Young of Alaska, chairman of the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee, and Senator Edward Kennedy. One question: Why did they remove Teddy? Oh, well ….

There’s one DHS “watch list” for people, and another highly classified and super-secret list for terrorist-linked locations. “Emerald Hills Golfland,” a theme park with two mini-golf courses in San Jose, California, is on that list. Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren asked why, and requested it be removed. That may or may not have happened — she can’t find out — because it’s classified information! She’s the ranking minority member of a House subcommittee on terrorist-risk assessment.

Ain’t that kinda like telling an Air Marshal, “There’s a terrorist on board with you, but we can’t say who it is — that’s classified!?”

No Prayer, Eh?

I wonder if the ACLU realizes that, if those Marines did not have faith in, and allegiance to, a higher power than some politically appointed justices in black robes — like, to “God, Corps and Country” — the lawyers of the ACLU might be among the first bunch they would be marching out to stand in front of a wall somewhere, and offering them blindfolds? I can see it now ….

“OK, dudes, you got what you wanted — no more of those nasty religious Judeo-Christian belief-based restraints anymore — just some 5.56 freedom of expression for ya. Stop sniveling and take it like a man.”

As for getting rid of those crosses on federal property, that could be a big job in more ways than one. First, there sure are a lot of ’em, in places like Arlington, Fort Rosecrans and Normandy. In fact, though, most of those crosses and stars of David have already been replaced with “regulation” flat granite markers, and only a few remain. I know of three personally. My father, grandfather and great-granddad all rest beneath those offensive white crosses, and I have some words of warning for those who try to pull them up:

You might awaken these American fighting men, and they may prove less than tolerant of such disturbance. Do you know what “being taken to the woodshed” means? STI’s search goes on. I’ll let you know if we find anything.

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