Breaking News: Martha Stewart Responsible for Ammo Shortage
An anonymous source has informed the International Associate Press Association famed television host and entrepreneur Martha Stewart has been secretly hoarding firearm ammunition and components in an effort to drive up prices. According to the person with knowledge of the plan, Stewart, 80, hatched the plot while eating special brownies baked by her friend and confidant, Snoop Dogg.
During the kitchen conversation at Stewart’s 35,000-square-foot bungalow on Mount Desert Island, Maine, Mr. Dogg reportedly mentioned he was having trouble purchasing 9mm ammunition for use in his pistol for an upcoming music video shoot. He was forced to visit several Los Angeles gun stores and finally purchased the only 9mm ammo he found — a 29-count box of steel-cased “Pride of Tajikistan” cartridges.
Stewart, unaware peasants were having trouble finding ammo, questioned Mr. Dogg and learned about shortages in the ammunition industry driven by a huge spike in gun ownership, panic buying and ammo hoarding during the first quarter of 2020. According to the informant, Stewart came up with the idea of leveraging the demand as one of her other major pandemic-related projects was not showing the return on investment she and advisors had initially anticipated.
The following Monday, the “Diva of Domesticity” ordered senior officials at the Special Operations Division of Martha Stewart Omnipresentmedia Inc. to begin purchasing ammunition in bulk from every commercial producer of cartridges, both in the U.S. and abroad. A spin-off effort to purchase bulk powder, bullets and primers from the reloading industry was also launched to ensure consumers had absolutely no way to procure ammunition except through Stewart’s vast network of companies.
The initial business plan was to hold on the stockpile until prices quadrupled, at which time Stewart would begin sales. According to the source, ammunition prices soon soared far above Stewart’s best-case projections and the company began trickling out limited quantities of ammo through dealer networks. The move proved so profitable Stewart is currently investigating the purchase of Norway for a summer vacation home.
The source states the primary ammunition stockpile is located in a former underground quarry turned commercial storage center near Corydon, Ind., located 25 miles west of Louisville, Ky. Among its other clients, the storage company does considerable work with the Federal Government. The insider says he witnessed a non-stop stream of trucks removing the tons of toilet paper Stewart had previously stockpiled underground in her failed bid to raise prices — and replaced it with ammunition.
“I seen it,” the source told IAPA investigative reporters. “That’s where all the ammo and primers are. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s not because all us gun owners bought too much ammo too fast. These fat-cats are hiding it from us,” the source explained.
He also noted Bigfoot is the second-shift traffic and logistics manager at the well-guarded storage facility. The source also shared insider knowledge of how COVID was started by aliens from Planet Zoog but was dragged away by two large men in white lab coats before finishing. The IAPA is investigating.
April Fools! Did we fool you or make you laugh? Let us know at [email protected].
Note: We can neither confirm nor deny Martha Stewart’s involvement in the ongoing ammo shortage or the existence of Bigfoot. This article is satire.
