The Reason Why
Self-Awareness Comes After 60
Last month, I mentioned a profound personal truth I’ve discovered — whenever you go out searching for an epiphany, you’ll never find one. You might have an insight or two, or maybe even a realization, but epiphanies are rarer than flawless blue diamonds.
And, almost as soon as I hit “send” on the column, I stumbled into real, live, breathing epiphany. Whoda thought?
Show Stopper
I was talking to somebody recently who knows me very well and during the conversation, this person said offhanded, “XXX makes sense since you’ve got ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).”
Whoa. Huh?
I don’t presume to claim there are no neuroses, hang-ups, fixations, phobias, obsessions, quirks, complexes, inhibitions, idiosyncrasies or other psychic baggage lurking in my gray matter. I just never worried about if any of them had a formal name.
We discussed the subject briefly and I realized the person not only knew of what they spoke, they laid out a cogent case for why the diagnosis should apply to me. I gently scoffed and we moved on to other business, but the conversation got its hooks into me.
As a brief aside, please don’t construe any of this scribbling to be a poke at mental illness or the treatment of it. Mental health is a serious problem for our country, I’ve often dealt with it secondhand and I don’t look down upon those struggling to cope with mental problems. I do look down on those who get their panties in a wad if I don’t use the precise politically correct terminology. And, I strongly suggest you don’t conduct personal diagnosis via a magazine column.
Time To Investigate
Still intrigued, I later went to the one place all doctors and therapists tell you never to go when considering treatment: the internet. This advice is solid because in my experience searching a topic such as “Minor earlobe pain” will immediately convince you you’re suffering from lobe cancer and possibly a large number of disgusting jungle parasites. The forums are full of postings such as “I had earlobe pain once and the doctor discovered my brain is full of holes made by a new species of Brazilian leech and because of personality changes now I speak in a Portuguese dialect and have been arrested over a dozen times for ordering fast food without pants. My wife left me, I’ve been fired from my job as a Senate Majority Whip and I was evicted from my home, all of this because I ate one imported mango popsicle.”
I’ve been guilty of reading such tripe for years. One anxiety-filled week later I finally go to the doctor and he pulls out a small thorn I got from clearing brush — not a single sarcoma or leech to be found.
Anway, regardless of the warnings and my better judgement, I searched the interwebs for information on adult ADHD. Some of the symptoms include being easily bored or distracted, restless, being hyper-focused, procrastination, forgetfulness and some other things I don’t remember. The ADHD sufferer frequently pursues many interests and activities, and often becomes quite proficient at these things before getting bored and moving to something else. Hmmm, check, double-check. Coincidentally, my co-workers seem to be nodding their heads.
I was heartened by reading one passage noting, “You do not have a disorder unless you have dysfunction.” OK, that’s better. I may or may not have a big ’ol case of ADHD but overall, things are pretty decent in the world of Me. They could always be better but I certainly know things could be 10,000x worse. I am indeed blessed.
Regardless, I then had the epiphany currently under discussion — some of the traits in adult ADHD could actually be counted as a “Superpower.” Cool, I’m like Spiderman, though I wish I had the ability to shoot webs from my wrist. Imagine what fun you could have at football games or on the shooting range.
He Was A ‘Busy’ Child
While pondering this new-found knowledge and its possible application, I realized there were signs of my possible condition from childhood. The writer Patrick F. McManus once said he was full of “wild and terrible enthusiasms” and this has always stuck with me. I never did just “take up” a new hobby, activity or interest, I always go full-on, whole-hog, damn-the-torpedoes insane.
Consider just the shooting pastimes. Of course, I shoot and own all sorts of rifles, pistols and shotguns but at various times in life I have become overwhelmingly enamored with precision riflery; single-action, CCW and pocket handguns; 1911s; black powder rifles; tactical shotguns; hunting shotguns; side-by-side hunting shotguns; lever-action rifles; reloading; air rifles; antique shooting memorabilia; holster building; and gun refinishing. I can’t divulge the details but I will even admit more than a passing familiarity with the technique for building firework shells.
Then there is hunting, the natural proof-of-concept for firearm skills. At various times I’ve focused almost solely on deer, elk, pigs, waterfowl, upland gamebirds, small game, nuisance animals, exotic game and even frogs. I also have gone through a “hunting” phase for butterflies, gold, buried treasure and fossils though these particular activities don’t usually require a gun. If they do, you’re going after bigger butterflies than I ever chased.
Of course lots of folks do similar things but where I’m different is a near-compulsive need to become a subject-matter expert and own every bit of pro-grade gear. This is the reason why I have two storage units full of equipment, most of which hasn’t been used in years. On the plus side, if you ever want to hunt frogs with a precision air rifle — where legal — I could fully outfit you and a dozen of your closest friends. After all, why throw away hand-build frog decoys?
Away from guns, I’ve also been variously and viciously hooked on backpacking, scuba diving, novel writing, boating and sailing, motorcycling, whitewater kayaking and rafting (gotta own both!), mountain biking, landscape and nature photography, videography, web design, taxidermy, electronics building, exotic fish collecting, exotic fish keeping, exotic fish photography and countless other activities. The act of angling itself would require a book to cover my singular pursuit of everything from blue crabs to violent pelagic fish.
And there is music. My current resume includes public performances on drums, accessory percussion, guitar, banjo, keyboards, harmonica and once, the jaw harp. Naturally, I’ve also worked as a trained sound engineer and owned a live-streaming video production company. Yep, Wild and Terrible Enthusiasms indeed. Just typing the list made me tired in retrospect.
Insight Gained
However, whether the expenditure of all this time, energy and loot was the result of official ADHD or simply having a very low threshold for boredom doesn’t really matter. My own philosophy is regardless of what type of issue you may or may not have, the key is to never use it as an excuse. I don’t and won’t.
But I now understand myself better. I never realized everyone else doesn’t become so obsessive on such a rotating basis. Apparently there might be a reason why my deep and profound enthusiasm eventually turns on its ear — it wasn’t that I didn’t love lever-actions or fish collecting, it’s just the fact my psyche told me it was time to move on, so I did.
But with this new self-awareness, I can salve my internal shortcomings by knowing I simply represent the classic archetype of the “Jack of All Trades, Master of None.” This isn’t a failing now that I know why my passions run so high but so short. But, even if I hadn’t gained this understanding, I am fortunate to say at least I’ve had a lot of fun and adventure, learned a thing or two and accumulated a lot of really neat gear. Now, with this additional new understanding of myself, I can go forward and perhaps “stay in my lane” a bit more frequently.
Right after I schedule an air-rifle hunt for invasive iguanas in south Florida. Did you know there are people who do this for a living?!?
