Grass-Grooming Governance

A simple test for politicians

If you lived in “Willworld,” you’d have to show proficiency with one
of these before you could start telling normal people what to do.

I just came in from cutting the grass. Some guys look forward to this modern urban chore. I despise it myself.

Out where we live, grass is more for erosion control than appearances. The grass is simply what separates us from the surrounding jungle. I cut it maybe four or five times per annum.

The entire undertaking requires just south of two hours. Most of this time is spent behind an old push mower covering terrain that is uneven, rock-strewn or steep. By the time I finally wrap up, I’m tired and ready for a cold glass of ice water. However, such mind-numbing tedium does offer ample time to think — today, I redesigned the entire system of American governance

These guys don’t cut their own grass.

Political Prerequisites

When do you figure was the last time our major governmental leaders mowed their own grass? Some folks like Joe Biden and Donald Trump likely never have, but they’re rich. If I were rich, I would hire somebody to cut my grass as well. However, I personally think not cutting your own grass should disqualify you from telling people who do cut their own grass what to do.

And there’s the problem. Joe Biden wouldn’t know a banana clip from a banana. (Don’t freak out. I know banana clips aren’t real.) Whoever crafts laws really should understand the details. There’s a great deal riding on it.

Somebody has to enforce all those shiny new laws. With 445 million firearms already in circulation, it can be really, really dangerous. Things can get tragic quickly. A U.S. Marshal, along with Randy Weaver’s teenaged son and unarmed wife, died over the length of a shotgun barrel.

Agrarian Philosophy

In the last 24 hours I have killed two water moccasins in the lake serving as my backyard. This makes an even 60 since we built the house. Don’t feel sorry for them. We built the lake ourselves. They wouldn’t be here at all were it not for us.

The monsters breed like rats. Poisonous snakes kill between 50,000 and 100,000 people around the globe each year. The world has no shortage of venomous reptiles.

Today’s first snake I killed at a slant range of maybe 15 meters with a suppressed TacSol .22 pistol. I nailed him on my second shot. I then expended another six just for insurance.

The other snake was as long as my arm and had been lurking near my back patio. By the time I got out with my rifle, another superb integrally suppressed TacSol product, he was maybe 50 meters away and moving erratically. I connected with him after about 10 rounds and then peppered him until he sank just to be sure. In total I spent 22 rounds making sure the toothy menace was no more. As a rural American I choose not to carry three 10-round magazines for my .22 rifle. I prefer the single big one. How can I convey this fact to Joe Biden and his pals?

Running a chainsaw for an afternoon is a workout of the highest order.
Will believes our candidates for public office should be able to do stuff
like this before they could run. Photo: Rvannatta

Practical Tactical

I have needed a gun a couple of times for real in my 55 years on this planet. In one instance my assailants were a criminal youth gang numbering about a dozen. Under those circumstances, having ample rounds on tap in my Springfield Armory Hellcat or SIG P365 is mighty reassuring. It’s honestly none of Joe Biden’s business how I skin the cat. I don’t go around telling him what to do. Most folks like me just want to be left alone.

I’m not the first guy to think our laws should originate closer to home. The Founding Fathers really left most of the governance up to the individual states. If New Jersey wants to outlaw “gravity knives, switchblade knives, daggers, dirks, stilettos, billies, blackjacks, metal knuckles, sandclubs, slingshots, cestus or similar leather bands studded with metal filings or razor blades imbedded in wood, and ballistic knives,” which they do, then more power to them. Just don’t try to foist such rank stupidity on me. 

Per New Jersey statute, possession of a slingshot without good reason is 18 months in the Big House. I was tearing around the neighborhood with a slingshot while I was still in diapers. Do folks living in such places even begin to appreciate what idiots we think they are?


Joe Biden calls himself a public servant. Pat Tillman was a public servant. Joe Biden is something else entirely. The term servant implies sacrifice. I’ve seen a few up close and in action. Modern politicians seldom sacrifice.

So if you want to tell me what to do, at least cut your own grass. I’d really prefer it if you could prove you know how to run a chainsaw as well. However, I’d be satisfied for now with just the lawn mower.

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