There Were Pistols In The Pepperoni

We think the guards in the Sao Paulo prison are gonna be brown-bagging their dinners in the future — and maybe checking delivery boys a little closer before buzzing them in the gate. Since the guys used to send out for pizza every night, they didn’t think twice when a red-capped kid in a pizza-boy outfit waltzed through the door with a stack of those distinctive flat boxes. The second kid didn’t raise any eyebrows either. By the time the fourth teenager came through, the guards were turning quizzical, but then it was too late. The lads had already opened those boxes and pulled out pistols, no anchovies, no pineapple.

Holding the guards against a wall, the boys proceeded to pop open all the cells and invite the inmates to exit, stage right. Later, investigators learned the pizza boys only wanted to spring one prisoner, their pal, but they figured that 60 convicts running through the streets might be a pretty good cover for their getaway. They were right.

State officials said the regulation regarding pizza deliveries was “being reviewed.”

And If You Don’t Have Enough Guns For Your Revolution

And especially if your country is kinda poor, then you have to go for low-tech terrorist tools. That’s the situation in Yemen, where the economically challenged terrorists can hardly afford the pipe to make pipe bombs. Come up with a set of decent wheels for a car bomb? Forget it, especially since there are so few cars in Yemen that any kind of motor vehicle draws too much attention.

But necessity is the mother of invention, you know, and our pals in Yemen have now given us the innovation of … the donkey bomb!

Cars may draw curious stares in the dusty burg of al-Dala’a, but military official Mansour al-Salami and his bodyguard didn’t give a second glance to the double-parked donkey in front of his pad as they stepped out the door on their way to headquarters.

They might have even been kinda daydreaming about a leisurely afternoon spent interrogating PIPs — that’s “politically incorrect persons” — when the donkey exploded. Whapped by multiple high-velocity burro-bits, both guys went to the hospital, but authorities say they’ll pull through.

They still haven’t figured out if the bomb was on — or maybe in — the donkey, and they can’t check his license tags or registration. The usual suspects were rounded up with no result.

Now, the investigation is taking a different turn. Since there are far fewer donkeys than there are people in Yemen, and now there’s one less quadruped, they’re checking to see who might be missing a donkey — late model, four-hoof drive, with factory hair seats.

He’ll Be Attending That Class On “Remedial Assassination”

Oh, sure, being a hitman for organized crime has a certain glamorous appeal, but you know, there are certain skills required, like: “Only shoot your intended target; do not shoot yourself.”

In the U.S., novice hit men are closely supervised and schooled by more mature, seasoned types, but this kind of mentoring process isn’t well established yet in the former socialist satellite countries. So it was in Bydgozcz, Poland, where a guy identified only as Lukasz S. apparently flubbed his first contract.

Approaching his target on a busy sidewalk, he went for the head and clipped the dude in the shoulder. The sidewalk crowd understandably went into a panic, which Lukasz was depending on to cover his getaway. It almost worked.

Lukasz calmly turned and walked into the crowd, coolly dropped his pistol out of sight to his side … and shot himself through the foot. You’ll note we didn’t say “in the foot” but “through the foot.” This sorta hindered his ability to melt into the crowd.

Polish cops only had to follow the stumping, erratic, bloody footprints for about half a block. Lukasz wasn’t quite up to running.